Match Preview: West Ham v Villa

by Dek Hogan

Who are we playing?
West Ham United on Tuesday 2nd February at 7.45pm

Where are we playing?
Upton Park for the last time ever, otherwise known as the Boleyn Ground.

Can I go? Sold out which isn't bad for a February Tuesday night. Ticket prices were subsidised as part of the away fans initiative.

Easy to get to?
London, so no. A right pain usually.

Can I watch it on telly
BT Sport 1 if you've got it. Down the pub if not.

Rémi Garde

Big game?
Meh...

If you still believe in miracles then this game, indeed every bloody game until our fate is sealed, is absolutely vital.

We're doomed though so the best we can hope for realistically is we put in some sort of performance and pull something out of the bag.

Twonk

The West Ham we faced on Boxing Day looked piss poor to be honest and we probably should have taken all the points that day. Their team has looked a damn sight better in subsequent games though so it's to be assumed they were just choc full of Christmas goodies in the Villa Park encounter.

We were fucking terrible against Manchester City in the cup, having loads and loads of possession and not an earthly clue what to do with the ball. We shipped four goals, three of which were absolute gifts to the visitors, thanks to the bungling ineptitude of Bacuna and Gana.

If Gana must be so charitable, why not give a week's salary to Acorns. It's not like he's earned it.

Do West Ham boast any famous fans?
We are fighting the Hammers for custody of David Cameron. Let's hope we lose.

They've Ray "Pleasures of the In-Play" Winstone and Keira Knightly off of some films,

Typical West Ham fan and one of The Avengers

We've got the Duke of Cambridge.

So we win.

Gabby

Who's playing for us?
We are really struggling for strikers at the minute. Even bad ones. Gabby might even have a shout of a start. Things are that bad.

Gana might struggle to justify his place after a horror show in the cup but then you could say that about many of them.

Who's playing for them?
We'd imagine they'll be a few changes to the line up that drew 0-0 with Liverpool.

Any useless stats?

Of course, here you go:

• Our last win at their place was nearly five years ago now in April 2011. Gabby netted a last gasp goal to give us a 2-1 win and left the Hammers staring relegation in the face.

• We have 38 wins over them while they've beaten us on 39 occasions. There have been 32 draws

• There was drama in the FA Cup Quarter Final in 1980 as West Ham went through on a hotly disputed penalty after a "handball" by Ken McNaught

Prediction
A 2-2 draw.