Match Preview: Aston Villa v Chelsea

by Dek Hogan 

(written before Garde's departure)Who are we playing?
Chelsea on Saturday 2nd April at 12:45pm

Where are we playing?
Villa Park, you may know where it is. If not just follow the trail of badly painted bedsheets...


Can I go?
Yep. Plenty of tickets left. Tons. Or check with your jaded and disheartened season ticket holding pals. You may well cop a freebie.

Easy to get to?
Doddle, just have reduced drinking time beforehand due to the annoying kick off time

Can I watch it on telly?
BT Sport. It is much better to be there though. The players can hear your wails of discontent if you can be arsed to turn up.

Remi Garde

Big game?
End of season kickabout.

We're doomed anyway. They've been a decent run since Hiddinck took charge but are virtually certain of mid-table anonymity anyway. Optimists would say that have an outside chance of Europa League qualification, but realistically (not mathematically) there aren't enough games for them to close that gap.


If he's still there by Saturday, we'll be led by a

Gloves in March? Fuck right off...

manager whose body language at Swansea showed a defeated crushed character with not even a pretence at being interested in what was happening on the pitch.

This was all the more perplexing because so woeful were Swansea that we looked the better side for long periods of the game, playing some lovely stuff in the middle of the park (compared to what we've been used to) but we looked clueless in the final third.

Queuing up to leave

Those of us who thought relegation has been inevitable since we lost at home to Watford have long since written off the season, but it may not be practically possible to write off the playing staff, even though the vast majority of them either aren't good enough and can't be bothered to be good enough to pull on a claret and blue shirt.

Certainly the foreign contingent will be queuing up to leave, especially those who've noticed that nasty little clause in their contracts, slashing their wages in the event of relegation. Expect more and more stories leaked to the press by agents trying to get their clients a move, though you'd have to be able to flog fridges to Inuits to shift some of the excuses for footballers in our useless squad.

Typical Chelsea fan

Do Chelsea have any famous fans?
Well, there's Everything but the Girl and the bloke that used play PC Garfield in The Bill.

There's also Dervla Kirwan out of Ballykissangel.

We've got fiddle playing scruffbox Nigel Kennedy.

So we win.

Our old mate Gary

Who's playing for us?

International duty might have an impact if players come back tired or crocked, but we'd be surprised to see any major changes to the line up that faced Swansea if Garde is still in charge, or even if KMac takes over. If a new manager is installed, the pack will undoubtedly be shuffled. Micah Richards groin strain didn't stop him from partying in Dubai with Gabby by some accounts.



Who's playing for them?
Well not Diego Costa or Eden Hazard who won't be fit in time for this one. Our old mate Gary Cahill has now captained his country in the impressive display aginast Germany and it'll be nice to see him again (if selected).

Any useless stats?

Of course, here you go:

We do beat Chelsea occasionally

• We have 57 wins over Chelsea while they have 60 victories over us. There have been 34 draws.

• Our last win over Chelsea was in March 2014, Fabian Delph getting the only goal of the game late on.

• We've lost our last three games against the London club.

• Our first ever meeting was a 0-0 draw on 28th December 1907 at Villa Park

Prediction
Going for a 2-0 Chelsea win.