Garde Gone

The inevitable departure of Remi Garde from Aston Villa was pithily announced in the briefest of statements on the club's website, while many of the club's supporters were watching England labour to a defeat to The Netherlands.

Remi always came across as a decent bloke and that was probably the nug of the problem, because what Villa needed was an utter bastard to put a rocket up the arses of that miserable bunch of over paid wankers masquerading as footballers at Bodymoor Heath.

Fox has gone. Garde has gone. The players have no-one else to hide behind now. They can either get off their arses and put in a decent shift in our few remaining Premier League games or face the full wrath of a Villa support who've really had enough.

Saturday is going to be interesting either way.

Bernstein gets a Bevy in

Bev

Aston Villa has snapped up ex-FA man Adrian Bevington to help rebuild the club following a disastrous season.

Bevington has recently been advising the Taffs in the run-up to Euro 2016 as well as Championship side Nottingham Forest.


David Bernstein said: "Adrian has a wealth of experience with over 20 years working at the highest level of football.

"He was the Managing Director of Club England and worked with many managers and coaches during his 17 years at The FA.

"More recently he has worked with several Clubs and the Welsh FA, and I'm convinced his experience, contacts and understanding of football will be a tremendous asset to Aston Villa Football Club."


Bevington supports Middlesbrough so will used be to suffering and was managing director of Club England during his 17-year career at the FA.

Bevy joins former Bank of England governor Sir Mervyn King and our very own Brian Little to their new-look "football board", which includesBernstein.

Remi Garde's future as manager looks bleak.

Match Preview: Aston Villa v Chelsea

by Dek Hogan 

(written before Garde's departure)Who are we playing?
Chelsea on Saturday 2nd April at 12:45pm

Where are we playing?
Villa Park, you may know where it is. If not just follow the trail of badly painted bedsheets...


Can I go?
Yep. Plenty of tickets left. Tons. Or check with your jaded and disheartened season ticket holding pals. You may well cop a freebie.

Easy to get to?
Doddle, just have reduced drinking time beforehand due to the annoying kick off time

Can I watch it on telly?
BT Sport. It is much better to be there though. The players can hear your wails of discontent if you can be arsed to turn up.

Remi Garde

Big game?
End of season kickabout.

We're doomed anyway. They've been a decent run since Hiddinck took charge but are virtually certain of mid-table anonymity anyway. Optimists would say that have an outside chance of Europa League qualification, but realistically (not mathematically) there aren't enough games for them to close that gap.


If he's still there by Saturday, we'll be led by a

Gloves in March? Fuck right off...

manager whose body language at Swansea showed a defeated crushed character with not even a pretence at being interested in what was happening on the pitch.

This was all the more perplexing because so woeful were Swansea that we looked the better side for long periods of the game, playing some lovely stuff in the middle of the park (compared to what we've been used to) but we looked clueless in the final third.

Queuing up to leave

Those of us who thought relegation has been inevitable since we lost at home to Watford have long since written off the season, but it may not be practically possible to write off the playing staff, even though the vast majority of them either aren't good enough and can't be bothered to be good enough to pull on a claret and blue shirt.

Certainly the foreign contingent will be queuing up to leave, especially those who've noticed that nasty little clause in their contracts, slashing their wages in the event of relegation. Expect more and more stories leaked to the press by agents trying to get their clients a move, though you'd have to be able to flog fridges to Inuits to shift some of the excuses for footballers in our useless squad.

Typical Chelsea fan

Do Chelsea have any famous fans?
Well, there's Everything but the Girl and the bloke that used play PC Garfield in The Bill.

There's also Dervla Kirwan out of Ballykissangel.

We've got fiddle playing scruffbox Nigel Kennedy.

So we win.

Our old mate Gary

Who's playing for us?

International duty might have an impact if players come back tired or crocked, but we'd be surprised to see any major changes to the line up that faced Swansea if Garde is still in charge, or even if KMac takes over. If a new manager is installed, the pack will undoubtedly be shuffled. Micah Richards groin strain didn't stop him from partying in Dubai with Gabby by some accounts.



Who's playing for them?
Well not Diego Costa or Eden Hazard who won't be fit in time for this one. Our old mate Gary Cahill has now captained his country in the impressive display aginast Germany and it'll be nice to see him again (if selected).

Any useless stats?

Of course, here you go:

We do beat Chelsea occasionally

• We have 57 wins over Chelsea while they have 60 victories over us. There have been 34 draws.

• Our last win over Chelsea was in March 2014, Fabian Delph getting the only goal of the game late on.

• We've lost our last three games against the London club.

• Our first ever meeting was a 0-0 draw on 28th December 1907 at Villa Park

Prediction
Going for a 2-0 Chelsea win.

Fox OFF Krulak BACK

Fox Off

Tom Fox has jumped ship as Villa's Premier League status sinks below the waterline.

"The Board would like to place on record its appreciation to Tom for his many contributions and commitment over the last 18 months. While the results this season have been disappointing he and his team have worked hard to put in place many changes necessary to put the Club on a more sustainable path for the future. He leaves with our best wishes for the future." said Steve Hollis who becomes Executive Chairman.

Tom Fox's statement

"Joining Aston Villa was a huge privilege for me and while I'm bitterly disappointed by results this season, watching the Club compete at Wembley in the FA Cup Final last year is a memory I'll cherish. I'm appreciative to the Board and the owner for the opportunity to help put Villa back on a solid footing and able to compete in the most competitive sports league in the world. Aston Villa is a proud and storied Club which deserves to be among the elite in Europe and I have every confidence that it will once again find its way back.

"Regarding my resignation, the owner made it very clear last summer that he and I would seek to recruit a Board that would put the Club in a stronger position in the event that a sale didn't happen. As the Board has taken shape, however, it has become clear that my role also has changed. While I am supportive of where the Board is trying to take the Club, it is my feeling that given the changes they are making, it makes sense for me to seek another challenge. I have accepted the Board's invitation to remain available during a period of transition to ensure a smooth handover.

General Krulak

"I would like to thank the many among the Villa family that have been very kind with their time and support and generous to me on a personal level during my time with the Club. You know who you are and you know how I feel. In the end I came to work at Aston Villa because I saw a special opportunity to help a Club in need and like many supporters, I feel as if the Club actually chose me."

Meanwhile, our old mate, General Charles Krulak has been installed as a director of Villa’s trading businesses – including Reform Acquisitions, Aston Villa Football Club and Aston Villa ladies.

Match Preview: Villa v Spurs

by Dek Hogan 

Where have your match previews been?
It was getting a bit depressing to have to write about how we've got no chance, week after week... took a break...

Who are we playing?
Spurs on Sunday 13th March at 4ish. Not on telly but playing Sunday because of Tottenham's Europa League commitments.

Where are we playing?
Villa Park, you may know where it is. The place with thousands of supporters streaming out well before the end, whether there's an organised protest or not.


Can I go?
Yep. Plenty of tickets left. Tons. Or check with your disillusioned season ticket holding pals. You may well cop a freebie.

Easy to get to?
Doddle, but be careful of the trains of a Sunday. Unreliable.

Can I watch it on telly?
Despite the Sunday kick off, we are not a designated live telly game in the UK so you'll need a stream or a pub with a dodgy dish...

Big game?
Massive for Spurs as they attempt to stop Leicester City from running away with the league.

However poorly we've been playing, Spurs are taking this one very seriously, resting several players in their game at Dortmund, which resulted in them taking a pasting from the German side.

They will chomping at the bit for this one, making it potentially a much harder game than our encounters with an average Liverpool outfit and a Man City team that never got out of second gear.

So can we cope? No of course we can't. We'll be second best in every area of the pitch and are likely to take a complete pasting.

It's great that in David Bernstein, we finally have a man who understands how football works. He was a much younger man when he set Manchester City on the path to recovery, but hopefully he can use his experience to at least start to turn things around at Villa Park and set us on the right course for some sort of future.

Great to see my boyhood hero Brian Little back at the club too.

Make no mistake though, there is a massive job to do at Villa Park, not least on the playing side, because frankly, if it were feasible, I'd ship out nearly all of the current playing staff.

Reality states that we may have to go into next season with a large chunk of the current squad, and poor beleaguered boss Remi Garde has demonstrated that he can't control them.

It's sad because I believe that Garde is a decent man with plenty to offer the game, but he's the wrong man in the wrong place at the wrong time at Aston Villa Football Club.

Typical Spurs fan

Do Spurs have any famous fans?
Well, there's Counsellor Troi off of Star Trek.

And Chas.

And Dave.

We've got fiddle playing scruffbox Nigel Kennedy.

So we win.

Who's playing for us?

Garde has already shown that he is not making major changes now, so expect the useless bunch of tosspots you've been watching for the last few weeks..

Who's playing for them?
Harry Kane will no doubt have a field day...

Any useless stats?

Of course, here you go:

• We have 56 wins against Spurs while they've beaten us 70 times with 35 draws

• Staggeringly, you have to go back to New Years Day 2008 for our last Villa Park win over Spurs, Olof Mellberg and Martin Laursen getting the goals.
  

• An unlikely away win at White Hart Lane last season proved vital in keeping us up. A solitary Christian Benteke goal settled it

Prediction
Going for a 5-0 Spurs win.

The Boris Column: Be Prepared!

by Boris



Like many other Villa fans, I’ve already resigned myself to relegation.

It’s not nice, it’s very sad but, in reality, it would be silly of me to say I hadn’t seen it coming.  In my opinion, there’s been a gradual deterioration at all levels of the club over the past six years ever since our Carling Cup Final defeat to United in 2010.  From there, the Villa have been on a downward spiral towards the very lowest echelons of the Premier League, sporadically alleviated with moments of true joy (Beating Sunderland 6-1 and the FA Cup Semi-Final last year) which made me remember why I love this club so much.

Personally, I feel prepared for the Championship.  Friday night games look inviting and I don’t have to worry about getting the last Sunday train home any more as 4’o clock games will well and truly disappear, thank god.  We might even see a few more home wins!  However, what I really am searching for amid this season of calamity is proof that my beloved, albeit flawed football club, are indeed preparing themselves for a similar transition.

I constantly hear stories of player contracts which include clauses about slashing wages if, heaven forbid, relegation occurs.  Yet, I’m sure every other Premier League club have the same type of clauses.  No, what I’m really looking for are the other considerations that have to be taken into account to make sure our current slide doesn’t continue further and that we hit the ground running next season.  I’m also looking for evidence that the club are considering how to keep hold of those thousands of loyal fans which will help, in some way, alleviate the massive hole due to appear in the Aston Villa bank account next season.  Sadly, I have yet to see the proof I desire.  

Everyone’s got an opinion on which Villa players should leave at the end of the season and which ones should stay.  Unfortunately, in these days of player power, I can’t help feeling our hands will be tied when it comes to keeping those players we value and who could help us make an immediate return next season.

With that in mind, I, like many other fans I’m sure, want to see some real foundations being laid for the future.  Should we be blooding some of the youngsters from our U21 team for the rest of the season?  Surely, they can’t be any worse than the individuals who turned up against Liverpool and Stoke recently.  But I’m not naïve.  I’m not calling for them all to be thrown into the lion’s den at once, but at least introduce some of them gradually Mr Garde.

However, I feel Remi may have his own agenda at present due to the uncertainty of his future and, as a result, he may be using his team selections to help his CV.

That said, I’m very much an optimist who believes some people in this world thrive on big match occasions and the pressures they bring, producing performances that coaches and managers didn’t realise they had in them.

Therefore, it appals me when I see a promising albeit inexperienced left back, Lewis Kinsella, being loaned out to Kidderminster Town of the Vanarama League!  What on earth for?  I’m not asking for Kinsella to replace Aly Cissokho for the rest of the season, just give him a chance or at least loan him to a club in the Championship or League One to gain the experience which will benefit him and our team next season.

Yet it’s not just player issues that concern me at the moment.  The running of the club, as we all know, has been a shambles for quite some time but I feel it’s time to stop dwelling on that fact and look to the future by finding ways of cleaning up this mess.

Fox, Lerner, Hollis

With this in mind, Mr Lerner, Mr Fox, Mr Hollis, please look at every single element of Aston Villa Football
Club and please take some tips from your fellow Premiership neighbours who may even be in the same situation as us next season.   Sunderland revealed last week that their season ticket prices will be reduced for next season.  Genius!  Well, in reality it’s not genius, it’s a very sensible business approach but compare it those emerging from Villa Park of late, it’s genius!

At least Dick Turpin wore a mask

Slashing season ticket prices immediately generates interest amongst all Sunderland fans, loyal, armchair and anyone in between.  It also means that if The Black Cats do get relegated, they will still have bums on seats next season.  Disappointedly, Villa fans are still awaiting news of next season’s pricing guide and interest is indeed wavering.  Surely, forward thinking would dictate that the board are in a position to offer fans some tempting offers for next season already.

If recent experience is to go by, fans might be waiting for some time to get what they want and even then, might feel deflated, yet again.  Take for instance my choice to buy only half a season ticket this season.  Being a season ticket holder for 14 years, I did the noble deed of only getting half a season ticket after my daughter was born in late August.  My ticket eventually arrived by post, almost a month after I purchased it during which time I twice rang the ticket office who promised it would be with me by the end of the week.  When it did arrive three weeks late, to my astonishment, I only received 2.5% Villa cashback money as opposed to the 5% I would get if I’d bought a full season ticket.

Now, if I could briefly dream that we live in a world of common sense, surely I should receive some sort of perk for getting a half season ticket considering the awful displays that many thousands of fans had already witnessed?  Apparently not.  The ticket office informed me that I received an extra game free instead.

Great!  Which one?  Arsenal.  Is that the Arsenal game that took place a week ago?  I must congratulate the advertising department for that bit of good news!!!!

Not only that but if you work out the average price per ticket I’ve paid including the Arsenal game (12 in total), it works out more than the average of a full season ticket.  Usually, this wouldn’t be a problem but, this season, I feel it should be and ticket pricing needed to reflect that.

Whilst waiting for my ticket to arrive, I had to visit the Trinity Road ticket office to collect a paper ticket for
the Crystal Palace and Leicester games.  For a moment, I felt like I was being served by a 17 year old cashier from Tesco Express.  The assistant spent the whole time chatting to their colleague, hardly glancing at me and with no thank you at the end.  I was then told by the Doug Ellis turnstile attendants I had to go to the next turnstile down because the ticket reader was faulty.  The next turnstile was indeed closed already, being minutes after kick off, until I ended up next to the away end who then sent me back to my original turnstile.  The attendants ended up unlocking the security door to let me in, all the time treating me like this problem was of my own making.

Now, I know I sound like a moaning old fart, and to be honest, in my more mature years, I probably am turning into my Dad.

However, my point is, in this season of hardship, frustration and despair, sometimes a simple ‘Hello’, ‘Good evening’, ‘Enjoy the game’, ‘Sorry about the problem’ or indeed just a friendly smile, would definitely not go a miss.  In the retail sector, respectful and helpful customer service is a vital part of any business.

So why isn’t anyone at Villa Park showing that same commitment?  During a time when every Villa fan I know is questioning whether they should share tickets next season or indeed not renew theirs at all, staff at Villa Park should be treating us all like gods, surely.  If we were a High Street retailer, we’d have gone under years ago.

I recall something my dad told me the day after he had the opportunity of being invited for a tour round the new training ground during the weekend of the 25th anniversary of Rotterdam.  He said ‘In all my years as a Villa fan, I actually felt part of the club’.  It saddens me to think of how things have changed.  I, personally, have never felt so unwanted and distant from the club I have supported since a young boy.

To summarise, Randy Lerner, Tom Fox, Remi Garde, Customer Services department, Trinity Road Ticket office assistant and anyone at all employed by Aston Villa Football Club…I’m prepared for relegation.  Please, please, please start preparing yourselves for the inevitable before it’s too late, before people start losing interest, before this famous, world renowned football club plummets into
obscurity.

These fans, the history of Aston Villa and the tradition of the club deserve that at least.