Match Preview: Aston Villa v Fulham

Harry Houdini

Who are we playing?
Fulham, who completely outplayed us at their place before Christmas.

Where are we playing?
Villa Park at, believe it or not, 3pm on a Saturday!

Can I go?
Absolutely loads of tickets available, so you can go and God knows, they need your support

Can I watch it live on the telly?
Not legally in the UK no, however there are plenty of pubs with dodgy dishes and dubious web streams if you can't face watching it in the flesh.

Big game?
HUGE.

Fulham are rapidly running out of games if Felix Magath is going pull off a feat of escapology that Harry Houdini would have been proud of.

However, Fulham's players will be aware that they were more than good value for their win over us at Craven Cottage and the thought of playing at Villa Park certainly won't put the fear of God into them. They'll feel this one is winnable.

Katherine Merry

Villa really need to batten down the hatches after conceding eight goals in two games to teams in Stoke City and Manchester United who have hardly been prolific scorers this season.

If Paul Lambert and his coaches can't prove that they can get on top of the defensive frailties that have been a feature of their two season tenure, they'll surely be looking at the exit door when May comes around, whatever Paul Faulkner might say in public. If nothing else, the reluctance of many season ticket holders to renew for next term puts Lambert and his posse in jeopardy and only a marked improvement in form on the run in will sway people to part with their hard earned cash, given the drivel they've had to sit through lately at Villa Park.

It's difficult to remember a worse season of home performances.

Freedom for Tooting

Do Fulham have any famous fans?
Well there's the lanky bloke with the laptop off of tea-time quiz thingy Pointless and Wolfie Smith from 1970's sitcom Citizen Smith, though he is fictional.

We've got ex-athlete and TV personality Katherine Merry

So we win.

Scott Parker

Who's playing for us?
Team news is somewhat overshadowed by the devastating injury to Big Chris Benteke. Gabby Agbonlahor is a doubt for the game with dodgy guts.

Bent can't play

Fans who moaned about Baker in the Stoke game found themselves moaning even more about Clark in the United one. Bacuna has only ever been a fill-in at right back and this is clearly not where his future lies, so we'd hope that Matt Lowton be given a chance again. Karim El Ahmadi and Gary Gardner are both out for this weekend's match.

Who's playing for them?
Not that they've been picking him anyway but Darren Bent is ruled out due to loan rules. They've started chucking 17 year olds in now, but then their youth sides are top notch. Scott Parker is back in training and Fernando Amorebieta returns from his ban, but Kostas Mitroglou remains sidelined.

Any useless stats?
Of course, here you go:

• We've beaten Fulham 21 times to their 20 victories with 22 draws.

Weimann nicks all three points at the last gasp

• Fulham's last Villa Park success came in an FA Cup tie in 1999. They ran out 2-0 victors thanks to goals from Simon Morgan and Steve Hayward.

• Fulham haven't won a league game at Villa Park since 1973. Despite goals from Brian Little and Bruce Rioch, we lost 3-2 on that occasion.

• It's been over two years since we last beat Fulham, a last gasp goal from substitute Andi Weimann giving Alex McLeish's side a desperately needed home win.

He said, She said...
"I think four wins will be enough to stay in the league, and we can do that." Felix Magath

Prediction
Truly believe that Villa have lost their way and that Paul Lambert is seeing good things that really aren't there. Predicting a narrow Fulham win and a subsequent anti-Lambert backlash.

Match Report : Man U 4 Villa 1 as it was tweeted

Match Report: U21s: Stoke City 1 Aston Villa 3 as it was tweeted...

Match Preview: Manchester United v Aston Villa

Tears of a clown

Who are we playing?
Manchester United, the artists formerly known as Newton Heath.

Where are we playing?
Saturday lunchtime, 12.45pm at Old Trafford.

Can I go?
The stingy allocation they sold us ran out a while ago, so unless you've got one already, you're buggered. However, some people holding tickets might be so traumatised by the events of the Stoke capitulation that they change their minds, so you never know...

Can I watch it live on the telly?
You certainly can if you (or your pub of choice) have the delights of BT Sport who are screening the game though you are likely to have to suffer the drone of Michael Owen.

Big Willy

Big game?
Sort of.

Losing to United at Old Trafford didn't used to matter because nearly everyone did it. Now, many of our relegation rivals take all three points up there, so we can't claim this one as a free pass weekend. Even Albion won up there.

The debacle against Stoke still leaves us chillingly close to those relegation places and given that our last two matches are away to Spurs and Man City, we need points on the board now. WE ARE NOT SAFE.

United will be without RVP for the game, but certainly against West Ham, they looked a more cohesive unit in his absence, but Moyes finally getting decent performances from the likes of Kawaga and Mata.

Lambert had his first choice XI out on the pitch last Sunday and they were roundly outplayed by a depleted Stoke outfit.

He needs a Plan B and quick.

Syd James

Sid James

Do Manchester United have any famous fans?  
Well there's Angus Deayton off Grange Hill rip off soap opera Waterloo Road and Eamonn Holmes off the news. We were mildly impressed to find that Sydney James was a Man U fan until we found out it wasn't the stalwart of twenty-odd Carry On films but the glamour model.

They've also got FA Chairman Greg Dyke but we've got FA President and second in line to the throne, the Duke of Cambridge.

So we win.


Who's playing for us?
El Ahmadi is a big doubt after being subbed off in the first half of the Stoke debacle though Andi Weimann is likely to be fit to play. The entire back four must be fearing for their places too after an inept display. Clark, Bennett and Lowton may hope to benefit if Lambert decides to wield the axe, though many of the problems on Sunday stemmed from the midfield's inability to close down the opposition. Here Lambert has fewer options, as shown by the woeful performance of Sylla.

Who's playing for them?
Not sure if even David Moyes knows the answer to that one yet. He'd seemingly stumbled upon a winning formula against West Ham, but then made several changes for the Man City game and it all blew up in his face.

Any useless stats?
Of course, here you go:

Peter Withe fires home his second at Old Trafford in 1983

• We haven't managed a win over United in our last nine attempts.

• The last win over United was at Old Trafford in December 2009. Goalscorer Gabby Agbonlahor is the only player from that team still in the squad. We won 1-0.

• We have to go way back to 1983 for Villa's previous Old Trafford success. Two Peter Withe goals saw us take a 2-1 victory.

• Villa fans got their first glimpse of Wayne Rooney in an FA Youth Cup final versus Everton. He looked fairly decent over the two legs, but more impressive were Villa's Stefan and Luke Moore. Whatever happened to them?

Moyes may face aerial criticism from some Fokker

He said, She said...
"In years gone by you probably would have got a lot of time, but now the success people want is instant. But if you are talking about flying an aeroplane over the stadium with a message to say you are not wanted, it is a bit extreme" Paul Lambert

"The players are hurting like me and want to show it vs Villa." David Moyes

listen to ‘Ron Atkinson calls for Sir Alex Ferguson's return at Manchester United’ on Audioboo

Prediction
Depends which Villa turn up to be honest. Even Paul Lambert didn't look arsed at the Stoke City game, a mere shadow of his usual animated self.  If he's stopped caring, we are truly buggered. Predicting a comfortable United win.

Match Report: Villa 1 Stoke 4 as it was tweeted...

Match Preview: Aston Villa v Stoke City

Who are we playing?
Stoke City from the Potteries

Where are we playing?
Villa Park Sunday 4pm

Can I go?
Tickets on general sale so yes, you can indeed.

Can I watch it live on the telly?
You certainly can if you (or your pub of choice) have the delights of Sky Sports who are screening the game though you are likely to have to suffer Gary Neville.

Mark Hughes on the end of a 3-0 beating at Villa Park

Big game?
Six pointer.

Villa fans have been heartily fed up with the fare on offer at Villa Park this season and booing has become common place.  However, two wins on the bounce and with a packed Villa Park buzzing again after forcing another Villa Park failure on Jose Mourinho, the tide may well have turned and if Villa can consolidate this in the next one, it will lead to a far more comfortable run-in.

So tight is the league that any game against a team in the bottom half takes on vital significance but there is added spice against a fellow Midlands team and it's always nice to put one over on Mark Hughes, so we're praying for a both a decent performance and all three points.

Points on the board we certainly still need. With our last two games of the season now both away at formidable opposition, it's beyond vital that we make hay while the sun shines.

Did a cocaine snorting Frank spend time with prostitutes?

Do Stoke City have any famous fans?  
Apparently not, no. There was Frank "Grandstand" Bough who used to be famous until his recreational activities did for his career. There was also Nick Hancock who mentioned Stoke City at every available opportunity when he was on the telly, which might explain why he's not on it anymore.

We've got Nessa out of Gavin and Stacey.

So we win.

Mrs. Crouch

Who's playing for us?
Ryan Bertrand will available again after loan rules ruled him out of the Chelsea triumph, although Joe Bennett's encouraging performance against the London club may mean that Ryan won't just walk back into the team.

Who's playing for them?
Stephen Ireland got a start and an assist against West Ham and it would have certainly livened things up noise-wise were he to start on Sunday. However, it's reported that Villa insisted on a clause preventing him from playing us when he was sold, so we won't get to boo him, which is a pity. Another ex-Villa man, little Peter Crouch is a likely starter, though he's now more famous because his missus won Strictly

Any useless stats?
Of course, here you go:

John Carew breaks Stoke City hearts

• Villa have beaten Stoke City on 50 occasions, while the Potters have managed 30 wins and 30 games have been drawn.

• We have to go back 26 years to find Stoke City's last win at Villa Park. A shock 1-0 victory for the visitors put a spoke in the wheels of Villa's promotion push. We have to go all the way back to November 1965 for Stoke's last top flight success on Villa soil, another slim 1-0 win.

• Mind you, Villa haven't managed a home win over Stoke since 2009. John Carew netted the decisive goal that day. 

• Villa are likely to field a much changed team from the one that took on Stoke in December. Matt Lowton, Ciaran Clark, Chris Herd, Marc Albrighton, Aleksander Tonev and Libor Kozak all started that game.

He said, She said...

Winner of our Barbara Dickson lookalike contest

"It will be a very difficult game, but we know that we can go there and come away with a positive result. They have been a little inconsistent at home this year, but they have had two good results in recent weeks. We can go there though and impose ourselves on them and that is what we will be looking to do." - Mark Hughes

"I don't think anybody would have thought we would have a chance of winning three successive home league games. Now we've an opportunity to do it and get rid of that seven-year thing." Paul Lambert

Prediction
No game against Stoke can ever be described as easy, but if Villa go about things the right way, we can win this one. It may well help us that Mark Hughes will be less inclined to sit back than his predecessor. Going for a 3-1 Villa win.

Match Report Villa beat Chelsea 1-0 as it was tweeted...

Match Preview: Villa v Chelsea

Jose has never won at Villa Park

Who are we playing?

Chelsea

Where are we playing?
Villa Park Saturday 5.30pm

Can I go?
Tickets on general sale so yes, you can indeed.

Can I watch it live on the telly?
You certainly can if you (or your pub of choice) have the delights of Sky Sports who are screening the game though you are likely to have to suffer Jaime Redknapp

Dirty Chelsea

Big game?
Meh...

It's massive for Chelsea as they pursue the Premier League title against the likes of Manchester City, Liverpool and Arsenal. The Londoners shouldn't be complacent though. Villa have taken points off all the teams Mourinho's men are competing against and felt very hard done by to lose at Stamford Bridge back in August, where referee Kevin Friend proved to be no friend to us.

Not massive from a Villa point of view because most of us would consider getting anything for this game as a bonus, but win, lose or draw, it's vital that Villa deliver a decent performance to keep the momentum going after the win against Norwich.

Charlize doesn't mind a bit of blue

Do Chelsea have any famous fans?
Well there's David Mellor who used to be an MP and John Major who used to a PM. We're slightly more impressed to hear that Charlize Theron has been seen down at the Bridge.

However, we've got Godber out of Porridge.

So we win.

Bianca's bloke can't play due to loan rules

Who's playing for us?
The bad news is that we won't be seeing Charles N'Zogbia this season while Chris Herd is out for personal reasons. Kozak is, of course,  ruled out but barring any surprises or training knocks, everyone else should be vying for selection though it's probably too soon for the fast recovering Jores Okore.

Loan rules will mean Ryan Bertrand can't play.

Who's playing for them?
Whoever Jose picks will be good but we're hoping for a John Terry start, purely because he gets the crowd singing, even if those songs are none too complimentary



Any useless stats?
Of course, here you go:

Harold Halse

• Chelsea just have the edge having beaten us 57 times to our 56 wins. There have been 34 draws.

• Our last win over Chelsea at Villa Park was way back in October 2009. Richard Dunne and his defensive partner James Collins got the Villa goals after Didier Drogba had given the Londoners the lead.

• Chelsea's first Villa Park victory came in October 1913. They won 2-1, one of their goals coming from Harold Halse who had only recently moved from Villa.

• Villa biggest win over Chelsea came at Villa Park in April 1952. Billy Goffin claimed a hat-trick in a 7-1 victory.

Petr Cech

He said, She said...
“It’s a great game to play in. They’re going for the title and for the Champions League, so they’re going for big trophies and we have to try to stop it or try to derail it, for ourselves as well"  Paul Lambert

“We go game by game. My next game is Villa away, a difficult place to go, and we want to win there again.”  Petr Cech


Prediction
We think Benteke will try really hard to stay on the goal trail, but Chelsea will throw the kitchen sink at us. Forecasting a plucky performance but ultimately a Chelsea 3-2 win.

Match Report: U21s Middlesbrough 0 Villa 2 as it was tweeted

Chris Herd out for the foreseeable due to personal reasons

Villa's versatile Australian player Chris Herd has been ruled out of selection for the foreseeable future due to "personal reasons".

The player has suffered from hamstring problems and rarely featured in the squad this season though he did make a first team start away at Fulham.

Uncapped at full international level, it had been thought that he might squeak into Australia's World Cup squad and he had been selected to take part in their friendly with Ecuador at Millwall this week. Sadly he will now not take part.

The club statement says no further comment will be made and asks that his privacy be respected.

The player is no stranger to controversy after an incident at the Gatecrasher night spot in Birmingham made the headlines.

Match Report: Aston Villa 4 Norwich 1 as it was tweeted