Match Preview: Chelsea v Villa

Who are we playing?
Chelsea on Saturday 27th September at 3pm. That's two Saturday 3 o'clockers in a row!

Where are we playing?
Stamford Bridge

Can I go?
Not unless you've already bagged a ticket. The subsidised, yet still ridiculously expensive away section has sold out.

Easy to get to?
Nearest tube is Fulham Broadway which is on the District Line. London prices on your beers so take plenty of cash.

Can I watch it on telly?
A Saturday 3 o'clocker so it won't be on proper UK telly. Plenty of dodgy web streams and pubs with foreign dishes are available if you wanna watch on the box.

A typical Chelsea celeb fan

Big game?

Huge.

It might even have been a battle for first if our first team hadn't gone down with the lurgy against Arsenal

We felt really hard done by not to get anything out of this fixture last year, but both sides have changed significantly since then.

Mourinho will be hugely aware that we nicked three points off them at Villa Park but if he decides to go toe-to-toe with Paul Lambert this time, he'll have to take on Roy Keane.

Goal poaching Diego Costa is the obvious threat but they've got talent all over the shop so this will be a proper test.

Let's just hope our lads have recovered enough to give it a go.

Damon All Bran

Do Chelsea have any famous fans?

Loads. There's ex-PM john Major (who rocked up at our game against Arsenal), Damon All Bran out of Blur and of course Charlize Theron.

We've got fiddle playing scruffbox Nigel Kennedy.

So we win

Who's playing for us?

We'd love to see Big Chris at least on the bench but it's probably wise not to rush it. Hopefully the tummy bug guys will be back to push for a place and we'd certainly expect Westside to walk straight back in after Carlos Sanchez seemed to struggle against Arsenal.

It was cruel on Nathan Baker to be struck down with illness after he'd managed to impress against Liverpool and he deserves another chance if Vlaar's calf isn't 100%

Who's playing for them?

Bags of talent all over the shop. Quite scared of Schürrle, though Jose seems reluctant to give him a start. Eden Hazard is always a danger, Cesc Fabregas has breathed new life into Chelsea's midfield and then there's Diego Costa. We'll have to get past our old mate Gary Cahill if we want to get on the scoresheet but John Terry is not the man he used to be.

Any useless stats?

Of course, here you go:

Ray

• Chelsea have beaten us 57 times while we also have 57 wins. There have been 34 draws.

• Our last win at Stamford Bridge was on New years Eve 2011. Goals from Stephen Ireland, Stiliyan Petrov and Darren Bent gave us a 3-1 victory after a Drogba penalty had given them an early lead.

• We have to go all the way back to May 2002 for the previous Stamford Bridge success. Peter Crouch, Darius Vassell and Dion Dublin finding the net as we ran out 3-1 winners.

• Our last clean sheet at their place was way back in February 1993. Roy Houghton scored the only goal.

Prediction

Praying that everyone is 100% free of the bug and going for a shock 2-1 win.